turning 20

its about an hour before the clock strikes midnight and then it's 11/1/11. what an amazing date i must say and it surely does only happens once in a lifetime.

i'm sitting here in my bedroom, dressed comfy-ly, with my lappy open and i'm here entering my thoughts. pictures of events will be uploaded soon, for now i would really like to embrace this peacefulness to get back to something i've lost touch for quite awhile due to the limited time i have these days, and that's blogging, to let my thoughts just flow and i can blabber on and on and on...

i'm unsure if i'm actually excited or sad turning 20, cause sure thing i'm getting outta my teens which means i'm getting older and i see more responsibilities and more stuffs coming ahead in the 20s. i don't know what to expect! maybe i could get married in this decade, maybe i'll still be on the shelves till the big 3 hits and the next scary decade arrives. i don't know what to expect my first job would be after graduating, not to even mention, i may want to experience overseas study life for a few modules in the coming years.

the 20s awaits so many things and i hope i'll have fun with it. i wanna experience all that i've never experienced before or was too young to do it in my teens, maybe something like erms having the financial means to travel overseas myself? or maybe bagpacking with a few friends. i really don't know and i can't wait to see what lies ahead, yet ironically i don't wanna age anymore.

i always believe in having positive relationships and avoiding conflicts. maybe what i've experienced since young have led me to this stage. i always hated how my parents quarreled and how my 2nd brother used to have an amazingly hot temper that i shiver at the thought of it. i didn't grow up in a perfect family, but looking at it now, i believe it has aid me to mature much faster. i try my best to compromise with people, i try to keep my temper low, i believe that things could be settled by communication cause i really down right hated the whole feeling of shouting situations.

but that led to me usually doing the things i don't want to do, just to please people and to avoid any quarrels. i am happy if i could stop another person from flaring up, i would try and suit the person. of course i'm not saint and there are times i flare up as well, but in the end i'd still have this mindset to just allow the other party to have what he wants to stop the quarrel and do anything to make him just fine. cause when there isn't a quarrel, i'm happy. so what's there to lose when ultimately i'll still feel happy just by the fact that there isn't any unhappy situation anymore.

and as i stop to look at my life again, i question myself if i've been leading the life i want to or the life other people want to. am i doing the things that i want, or the things that other people want. am i treating myself good enough before treating others better. i realized that i was afraid to reject people, i was afraid to say 'no'. i realized i was easily shaken by others, i would follow suit their decisions just to make peace. i started to feel that this shouldn't be the way to live my life.

i should do what i want, because i am me. i need to find the strength in the power of saying 'no'. i need to stand strong for what i want to do and my decisions. i should not let shoutings and the pressure of others to intimidate my choice. people should start to understand that raising their voices wouldn't help in anyway, it just shows the lacking of ability to calmly talk things through. well, it's a note to self at times.

those who are my real friends would respect what i want because they will understand. those who do not are not worth my two cents, cause my feelings weren't even considered in the first place so why should i bother. i believe and i know that i am not the unreasonable sort, i have my reasons for what i want to do and i believe that in the end, it's my life and the one i should answer to is myself and not anyone else. i am a human and i have the right to do what i want and what i do not want, when i wanna do it and when i not wanna do it. there should be no questions asked cause i don't even report to my parents my every single move, so why should i even report it to anyone else least give a detailed analysis of it. i should stop giving in to people's wishes that do not go in tandem with mine.

i am always shaken, i always didn't find the strength from within. maybe cause i'm turning 20, which then i use it as a cause and a reason for me to really stand up and do something about it.

its the last few minutes of me being a teen-ager, i believe i'm gonna be a strong young women in my 20s.

last but not least, happy birthday to me.